End of the Year freak out.

Not sure why I am writing what I am today. I am a little stressed out by life in general. The balance needed to meet financial obligations, keep up with paperwork and make a living is hard to achieve. I don't know if I really know anyone who has done it with complete success. Either one part of your life suffers or the other. I have never been a person who feels like I had to do one to the exclusion of the other. I work hard (and by the way work on commission-talk about a stressful life), but like to take the time out of life to enjoy vacations and breaks. I sometimes long for when life was simpler, before marriage and kids. When the most I had to worry about was getting my homework done on time or if I had enough money to buy something I wanted (free of responsibility and obligations). It's amazing to me how some very simple things in life can become complex if we let it. A good example of that could be not talking to someone for a couple of days. If this person is someone you normally talk to everyday, a person who plays out scenarios in their head would let their imagination run wild. Someone who is more laid back wouldn't think anything of it except maybe they were busy. I am a control freak, and I have this need to know what is going on all the time. This is probably why I like the 24 hour news stations and making sure the kids have their cell phones on at all times. As such, I like to drive, navigate, and plan out all vacation routes. Sad, but true. Mark could care less about those things so he just lets me. Part of the give and take in our marriage (thank goodness I'm married to a patient, loving and caring man). Another thing that makes me angry at myself is I can clearly see what I should do, why I should do it and in what time frame. The frustrating part is I lack discipline in my own life. Sad but true. Well, for my 2010, my goal is to let go, trust in God and quit taking back those things I allow to run my mind in 1000 different directions of worry. I need to stop allowing things to run my life that I have no business even trying to control. God, thank you for my life. Help me learn how to trust you more, to the exclusion of everything else. Thank you for the gift of your Son. The gift of perfection that needs no addition or removal.

Christmastime is here : )

I love Christmas and I always have! Weather tends to be cooler (I miss the snow, but just at Christmas-not in March and April!), there is a certain "rush" in the air. I love getting surprises for people and seeing their reactions on Christmas morning (or thereabouts)! The kids are the reason we did a lot of the things we used to do, but now we just do what we want to, when we want to. The one thing I hope I never forget is the reason why the season is so exciting. For me it isn't just about the Christmas gifts and family time, but it is the plan of salvation. God, yes God himself became flesh to carry out the plan of salvation for mankind. When he first came up with the idea (and btw, how exactly does God come up with an idea?), he had you and me in mind for this fantastically perfect plan. I am still in awe and amazement that God, the creator of the universe loves me. Loves me so much he sent his son to die for me. WOW. A very humbling proposition. How can I even remotely show this love back and be the kind of Christian I should be? I guess that's why I love Christmas so very much. It is a time to show charity and kindness. It is when the Scrooges of the world have an opportunity to show brotherly love, even if it is just for a short season. I hope I am not disappointing my creator too badly and can remember to keep the kindness and charity all year long! So, a very Merry Christmas to you, your family and those you come in contact with too!! God Bless us everyone!!

Let it go

I have a few things I try to live by (note the word "try"). First, I try to treat everyone the way I would like to be treated. It's hard when you have a personality conflict or when they treat you like doo doo. Second, I try to be honest with everyone at all times. Apparently my son thinks I am a good liar since I was able to lie to Morgan convincingly when we were keeping our "surprise" from her, so I am capable of lying well even though I do my best to be honest in all situations. It works better for me so I don't have to "remember" what I said to one person vs. another. I try to not take anything personally and let it run like "water off a ducks back". Why? Today may be my last day. I may not make it through. Why waste 1 minute worrying, being angry or holding a grudge? Life is too short. I have known a lot of people who do, and I have a newsflash for you. The only person it hurts is them. The other person, generally speaking, could care less. I really don't know if any of these things describe you, but if it does, take it from me, it isn't worth it. Life is too short. Make sure you tell the people you care about you love them. You never know when it would be the last time you speak to them. I fall short of my own advice many many times. I have to try harder to follow it myself. As a Christian I am even more cognizant of how people are looking at me as to what is an example of how a Christian should act. It is, however, not me but Christ that should be the ultimate example. I am human. I will fail personally as well as disappoint those around me. It's inevitable. I hope those reading this understand that. My prayer for today is that God would help me be a better Christian, Wife, Mother and Friend.

Thanksgiving

Well, this year we are in Winslow, ME for Thanksgiving. It has been literally years since we've been here. There is so much history for Mark and I and the kids. Mark and I met, dated, were married and started a family here but what makes a family? Is it geographical location? No. Is it the house you live in? No. The memories of both location and homes are part of those things of the past, but it isn't the places. It's the people in it. We have a fantastic family. I have been married to the same wonderful man for 20 yrs and we have 2 awesome kids. I love our life and am completely contented with the fact we aren't perfect but we love each other! I am thankful for the blessings of family. Prior to last year, I had cooked Thanksgiving dinner for my parents, my sister's family and my family. Last year Mom did and this year, Mark, Jeff (his brother) and Francine (my mother in law) will be cooking for us. It really doesn't matter to me as much as the time we spend together. I love spending time with my kids and extended family. I hope for you that you don't get so caught up in the rituals of Thanksgiving that you forget to just stop and spend time together and be thankful for one another!! We are blessed and I wish the same blessing for you!! Happy Thanksgiving!

Regrets.....?

It has been a little while since I posted anything, so I figured might as well do it this morning. There are moments when I wish I could go back in time and change either a decision made, action taken or something I said. I know everyone has those moments. It's frustrating. The most frustrating thing is either the action or words playing over and over again in my head like a tape recorder and I'm helpless to do anything about it. The problem is we (a lot of times) don't take the time to think about it before we act, however, there are sometimes when we don't have the opportunity to do such a review in our heads ahead of time either. I turned 40 this year, and you would be surprised how reflective you get even though I maybe have lived through 1/2 my life. I have come to a few conclusions about this: 1. You cannot go back and have a re-do, only start overs, 2. Life is full of regrets, but it is also full of victories and accomplishments, it is necessary to put the focus on the correct side of that pendulum, and 3. In spite of it all, if I have learned nothing from them then I have lived and perhaps relived those mistakes for nothing. I don't want to do that. It is funny how when we're younger, we are so anxious to grow up yet when we grow up we yearn for the times when life was simple and carefree. I would never want to go back and relive my life again, but I hope to continue to grow so that I have fewer and fewer regrets and more and more victories. There has to be a huge acknowledgment however, in the fact that as a Christian I am imperfect made perfect through the blood of Jesus Christ. I can't for one minute take credit for anything good. It is Him in me that I am able to do any good because of the love and example shown to me through grace. I am eternally grateful for this. It is what allows me to mess it up and continue to grow. Thank God He loves me and desires to have a relationship with me. I am not sure where the journey will take us over time, but wherever it does, I pray for wisdom and guidance. Thank you Lord for your perfect gift! May my imperfection not show the world a tainted view of your love but rather, through my imperfection show how amazing your grace is!!

Laying it down.

Today I lost someone I knew. I didn't hang out with him all the time, but I knew him, spent time with him and even saw him last week in my office. He died today. I cannot imagine waking up one morning not realizing that it was my last day. I have SO many things I want to do before I die. I know it is not something anyone ever really thinks about. Who would? It is a very morbid idea. Death. Scary, but why? Unknown I suppose. The finality of it all perhaps. I think the hardest thing is when you know someone, spend time with them and are invested in their life on some level it is a loss because there is a void where that person was. I really started thinking about this when I got home and a thought really hit me between the eyes. Jesus asked us to lay our lives down for Him. What does that mean? In times of war, a soldier puts his life in the hands of his fellow soldiers and they do the same for him. It simply means to be willing to die for a friend. We are not asked to physically die but die a spiritual death to ourselves and become a "living sacrifice" for Him. To be so sold out for Christ that we are willing to do everything, including DIE, for the sake of the gospel of Jesus Christ. The worst decision we have to make as Christians in today's society is if we can save ourselves embarrassment from a certain person/group from finding out we are a Christian. Are we really willing to lay our lives down? Willing to make the sacrifices necessary? Or at least be so sold out for the gospel of Jesus Christ that it impacts our lives in a real way? I fall WAY short, WAY too often. If today was my last day, can I truly say I have lived a life that is one of "living sacrifice" worthiness? I don't think so. Lord, help me to remember EVERY day of my life that I am a living sacrifice. Help me to be that sacrifice because I am NOT able to do it on my own and desperately need your help! Help me to live every day of my life as it is my last!

Silent Observer??

Ever since I can remember I love to just sit and watch people. Even when I was young, I would rather hide or sit back and observe (difficult to believe I know). In the mall, amusement parks, etc. it's fun to see people interact. Have you spent time waiting for someone and just sat and observed? It's funny to see the natural "hierarchy" evolve within a group of people? There always seems to be one who deems himself or herself "leader". This only works if the others comply. I think sometimes people go along with it because it's the easy thing to do rather than create conflict. I think it's the same with my Christian relationships. It's easier to be a "pew warmer" on Sunday morning. We just sit and watch the "Sunday show" then go out, have a big dinner and take a nap. It's easier than getting involved. It's easier than becoming invested. Investing takes time, money, effort and sometimes a leadership role. I have never been one who walked away from responsibility or a challenge, but I have observed some things in the church and I wish I could say things have changed, but people, generally speaking, are the same disappointing creatures unfortunately. Christians are imperfect to be sure, but with imperfection comes the understanding that we are a work in progress and it is actually work that we should be allowing the Lord to do in our lives. Have you ever driven past a construction site that never progresses? A little annoying correct? It just sits there and sits there and there is never any resolution. No one seems to want to take on the project of getting it done. I feel like it's the same in church. Either the person occupying the pew is happy to just show up at church, drop a few bucks in the plate and call it a day, or thinks they are too old and they've "done their time", or just doesn't care. Sad, really. Sometimes it's a little frustrating. When you make a presentation about a missions trip, or talk about a local ministry that needs help you get the nods of approval. "Oh yes, this is a worthwhile cause", or "It's so nice to see someone care". When the rubber meets the road and it's time for action or to put your money where your mouth is, the well wishes are apparently all that there is from this group of people. It all can be a little disconcerting. I think if just 15% of the people that warm the pews would simply take on the attitude that I am not just a pew warmer, but I wish to grow in my relationship with Jesus Christ and make an impact on this world, we could set the world on fire!! I cannot be responsible for anyone else except myself. I wonder how many others care enough about their own relationship with Jesus and those He cares about to do and not just to observe? Lord, help me be a willing participant in what you are doing!! "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth " Revelation 3:15-16

Blog? Check.

I've spent a lot of time since I've been married thinking about "stuff" or rather, going through crazy checklists in my head. I don't think my husband or my children fully appreciate literally how many hours of my life are spent constantly going through checklists in my head on their behalf. I think ahead to what I need to pack them for lunches, who needs which set of clothes for what day/function. I am doing it in the grocery store, at the gas station, at the house when I am cleaning up (which by the way, is EVERY morning after the guys leave), and when I get home for the day. There are times I think my husband or kids think I'm in my own world because I have a blank stare. It's not that, I'm just going through another checklist in my head. It's funny though, because this year I turned 40 and I am literally amazed at the fact there are times I am in the middle of my mental checklist and it's like someone pushed the reset button in my head. I have too much up there sometimes and I try to think about it all at the same time, which renders me useless. Oh well. Maybe that's the time I need to go take a nap. When I become an old lady some day I wonder what I will do with all the time saved not having to go through checklists in my mind. Maybe recover all the sleep I've lost over the years being a wife and mother? Who knows!

Character witness

It's been a few days since I posted something, not sure any experiences I've had this last week would merit a "post", but here goes. This last week showed me some insight into people's character. I am not a perfect person, not even close. I hope when asked, people who know me would say I have character. I don't know, you'd have to ask them. I have had a lot of time to observe character this week during my recent trip to Atlanta. I work with guys who are very serious about their business and are guys with character. It is rare to find both in the business world. I admire that in a person to the extent I will avoid people who lack it. When the guys I work with noticed during the "dinner" hour in the lobby a gentleman (I use the term loosely) hitting on any and every girl in the lobby, it was a bit amusing at first. Then, when he was attempting to do something shady, they tried to step in and make sure he wasn't taking advantage of someone who was by herself. That takes character. How many people do you know would just stand by and watch things happen and say, "surely I didn't see what I thought I did", or "it's none of my business". That's a cop out. If you see something potentially bad about to happen and stand by and do nothing, shame on you. In the line of business we're in we have to read people. We're good at it. That's why we're in business and it's doing well. We are consultants of sort, so you must know your client and be able to read them. Some of the smartest people I know couldn't read someone if their life was in print on their face. That's why it was such a good thing they are good at it. I wonder why some people compromise themselves to the point they are making decisions that bring their character into question. I am very blessed to work with people with character. Blessed indeed.

Motivation

A lot can be said about motivation. In criminal cases, a crime is committed, the CSI crew comes to collect evidence, then it's presented to detectives who attempt to piece together the crime in a backwards sort of sense. They start with the end results and work their way backwards. A prosecutors job is to present his/her version of what happened and the key to the case is motive. If you have motive and opportunity then the case being presented is probable and could have happened that way, true or not. It just needs to be probable beyond reasonable doubt. In the case of motivating a person to do a certain thing in a certain way is not as simple as a criminal case where you study what happened, interview witnesses and go backwards. In the case of trying to motivate someone, you are intentionally trying to produce a certain result based on motivating that person to act in such a way to produce that desired result. I learned a very long time ago you can teach someone how to do something, you can teach them the reasoning behind doing it the way you have instructed them to do it, but you cannot, however, teach them how to be motivated to want to do it at all. It is different for each person. I work, maintain a home, family, schedules, keep gas in the car and food in the cupboard. Why am I able to do the things I have to do on a daily basis? Motivation. I would argue sometimes selfish motivation, or at least to make my life easier. Why do I make sure Jonathan makes the bus in the morning? Sometimes to the point I will yell like a drill Sergeant to ensure he's out there in time? I don't want to sit in the traffic at Lakeside! Selfish, I know, but motivation all the same. I wish I could offer some advice to those going through their motivation issues who are at the beginning of their adult lives. It's difficult. When you're in the "in between" age of being an adult but being very reliant upon parents for most everything you are motivated to be independent. You want a place of your own and to be able to make all your own decisions. That independence also comes with all the responsibilities of paying your own bills, providing for your own household, and at times suffering the consequence of the results of those decisions. The only thing I can say with a great deal of certainty is when you are trying to decide what to do with the rest of your life, do what you love. You can be motivated to do something for awhile. You might do it for the sake of your family (I have done things I hate for the betterment of my family many times), or for the sake of lifestyle. Those things will only last so long, and if you hate what you do, you will become an angry person, aware of it or not. There is no worse place to find yourself than resenting the job you have, the reason you do it or the attitude you have because you hate it. I loved music. I could play the piano or sing all day long when I was younger. I found out very quickly that a real living couldn't be made off my talents, what little they are or were. I would have to find a job to pay the bills. I navigated a gazillion different jobs over my lifetime. Retail store clerk, sewer in a shirt factory, medical assistant, restaurant server and manager, car sales and now insurance. It took over a decade of my married life to find what I loved and want to do it everyday. I can truly say that I do now. I love helping people and enjoy the customer contact. I think I'm good at it. Finally, I have found my niche. It took Mark even longer. He started to complete his Bachelor's about the same time I started in insurance. He completed knowing it may not take him where he wanted to go, but would eventually get him there. He loves teaching. He will be finished with his Master's of Arts in Teaching in just a few weeks. He would not have been able to do this straight out of High School. He had no motivation. He thought he wanted to be in management in some capacity in retail. He never would have wanted to go into teaching at that time. He wasn't ready, but now he has found something he loves and is doing a fabulous job! How I wish we could all acquire the crystal ball to see the future, but at this point it does not exist. You have to determine what motivates you and move forward from there. Motivation. What a complicated thing.

Band Mom

Since Jonathan has been in High School, all of 7 weeks, the weeks have become tremendously busy. He has band practice after school 3 nights a week and then a game every Friday night. Each Friday he has a game we get home between 11 and 12. It has rearranged our schedule so we are there to pick him up after practice and then games each Fri. To top it off, we are down to 1 car trying to coordinate schedules (Mark is finishing the last semester of his Master's degree, I am working in the office everyday and Jonathan's practice). It has been a challenge to say the least. This has been my Friday evening view for the last 4 weeks and will continue until November. I am not complaining in any way. Not in the least. I know how fleeting the time is with our children when they are young so I do all these things for my kids and my family. I just wonder why schedules and life in general has to be so busy and crazy. When Morgan was in Chorus there was virtually nothing that had to be done. It was pretty much just helping for dessert theater and putting programs together. There really wasn't any traveling (like with the football games), but I did take the kids to All State auditions last Oct. I think we got lost and had to stop and ask directions. CRAZINESS! Those, however, are the funny things we remember. I may not be rich, I may not have fame but being "Mom" is a tremendous responsibility which I can only do with God's help. I love my kids and even though they probably don't appreciate all I have done and do for them, someday I hope they look back and say "Man we had some fun times and even though we didn't always have it easy, Mom was always there and showed me she loved and supported me!". I will continue to treasure every minute!

Growth

What is the measurement of growth? To some it is a category that can be measured. Take for instance, a scientist. He has to have something to measure growth against, whether it be length, mass, reaction, etc, he/she must have something to "show" for results or indicate there are no measurable results. I wish life were that simple. Wouldn't it be a lot easier to know how we are supposed to grow? Growth can be rewarding yet painful. Anything worth doing can be painful, but no one prepares you for the pain when in the midst of it. Not sure I have EVER been ready for the changes and growth of life when they occur. There are sooooo many stages of growth in life. There's going from being a child to teenager. Then from being considered a "kid" to college. Then marriage, children, and work. So many challenges during the longest stage of life (when you're married and raising children) that growth is inevitable. The most recent stage of "growth" for me has been the most difficult, yet necessary. Taking Morgan to school and seeing her struggle with those issues that arise from being in college. Homesickness, looking for a job, school, friends, balancing it all, and getting sick for the first time while away from home. When our kids are little we control every aspect of their lives from what they wear to what they eat and who they play with; as young adults they have to learn the consequences of all the decisions they make. It is hard watching her trying to navigate those issues without wanting to jump in and make them for her. This is as much a growth process for her as it is for me. I think the toughest thing as a parent is learning when to just sit back and be "available" rather than check in all the time. Lord, give me strength to learn how to be a good parent at this stage of Morgan's life!!!

Stress

I ALWAYS have some level, form or otherwise of stress on me. Whether it's being pressed for time, having to get housework done, remembering schedules, dealing with the "junk" that comes with having a home, being married and a parent it never ends. I don't know why, but sometimes I deal with it flawlessly, juggling work, kids, house, husband, bills, etc without missing a beat. Other times, it's like I can't get anything right. Not sure why. No one said when we got married 20 years ago, "by the way dear, you'll need to brush up on your multitasking skills" or "make sure you have a PhD in management". No one prepares you for being a parent; no one prepares you for the difficulties of marriage; no one prepares you for the things you will have to endure for the sake of your family. Why is it then sometimes I can handle these things without issues and sometimes it seems I draw issues to myself? Self deprecation? Self loathing? Or perhaps just a sense that it must happen this way. Not sure. Just having a crappy week I guess. If it were not for the difficult times, I wouldn't learn to appreciate the good times. Lord, help me deal with my plateful this week! Another week in the trenches!!

Patience

I am always amazed at my own lack of patience when it comes to rude drivers, people who do crazy things, and well, just plain stupidity. I have to continually work on that. I fall very short of the mark to say the least. In customer service it used to be a nice commodity, but now it is an expectation. In our "instant" society we expect everything now and when we are not provided with it we have a dim view of that particular service provider. It was evidenced during my last grocery store trip. I picked up 2 items and when looking for a check out, I picked the line that my friend was working (she is a checker). It happened to be the longest line and the woman in front of me had a ton of groceries and her own bags. The other lines were moving faster and the express lane didn't even have a line. I didn't want fast, I wanted to say hi and talk to my friend for a minute (the minute that we're "allotted" to make small talk to the cashier and then go on our merry way). I was first approached by a front end manager who said "you only have two items, don't wait here, come to the express lane". I thanked her and said I was fine. Then, a few minutes later, the other front end manager said "ma'am, you only have two items, every other line is available" to which I replied "I'd rather wait, thank you". Quite funny how self imposed waiting makes so many people uncomfortable. I was thinking about the scripture "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint" Isaiah 40:31. It is kind of like the self imposed waiting I had done. I knew I wanted to talk to my friend, but the only way it was going to take place was if I was her customer. I was willing to wait for it. I wanted to because I desired to talk to her. Do I desire the renewing of strength that comes with the waiting on the Lord? Not nearly enough. Lord, help me to wait on you today!!

I love this game!!

From the time I was very young, my Grandmother taught me to love the game of Baseball. We were a Red Sox house. I loved sports. Always have and always will. But there was a particular love for the Red Sox and Celtics in this house. I have not always played sports, but in High School I did and I loved it! There is something about the feeling you get when you work hard an entire game and you make the catch that wins the game, or the free throw that puts your team on top. Nothing like it in the world! The Red Sox vs. Angels game last night was one of those classic sports moments that one only reads about in a great book or see in a movie, probably to some tension building music. The score is tied, bottom of the 9th. Red Sox are up to bat with 2 outs, bases loaded, batter at full count. Every person in Fenway Park is on their feet. This is it. The final pitch. Who will come out the victor? Will the batter become the hero of the night or the pitcher save the day? The pitch goes out, there is a crack of the bat. It's a fly ball! Everyone standing at attention to see if the outfielder will catch it! It bounces several feet in front of him on the grass! Home plate is crossed, the Red Sox win it in the only place it could happen and be truly appreciated. What a moment. I love this game!